I made the first real decision in my life, and one of the hardest that I have ever faced, just perhaps beyond the decision not to lease Saylor. I emailed the lady from NY, and told her, decisively, that I would not be able to take up her job this summer, and I was very sorry to have to have wasted her time.

I jsut couldn't do it. Not with katie and matt and others going on to college, nad me not knowing if I will ever see them again. Not only that, my dad needs me, nad though I hate boats, water, fishing, people, etc., I have an obligation to our family. OMG... Just shoot me, I cannot believe I'm saying this. So, yeah.

If I'm a bit mopey and dreary for the enxt few days, its because I jsut gave up the chance that I have been waiting for, for over 6 years. yeah.