I swear there is something wrong with me. I mean, the littlest thing can throw me into a RAGE!! A full-blown, screaming-meemie, fist-throwing, rage. And I jsut had one., I'm in the midst of the tail end of it right now. And I know, I just know I'm going to regret everything I wrote in about... 20 minutes. When I read it back and take it down nice and quietly because I wrote things hurtful and cruel and completely true at that moment. Like this- I wrote this away message in the crest of my rage blackout, and it was only the edited versio nthat appeared, because evidently, AIM has a limit on the number of characters that can be shown. Here, my friends, is the full original version, because I am stillin my rage-stage and... honestly, I want to remind everone just how fucking horrible I can be when you get me evil-pissed. I want to key your car, rip your banner, and stick gum in your computer fan vent. Fortunately, I am a functioning memeber of society, so I wil ltake it out quietly on myself. I will get ulcers and be very very angry for a very short time, while I write horrible things that everyone can read while I've forgotten it';s there, and... well... Whatever!

Oh yes... Quite angry. Calming down more by the second, but still quite angry. Do you think it's your job to make me hate you? I mena, I jsut don't udnerstand. You are certianly on the right track. With every one of these rages you send me into, it's that much easier hte next time. And you wonder why I cringe and never know when to run and hide. Because everything goes so well, and then it's like... *SMACK*

God... This is so ridiculous. LoL Yes, I actually did crack a smirk on that. At myself. Because... Do you know how fcked up this is? Kevin and Matt were joking around about taking my Transiberian Orchestra tickets that I managed to snag for my parents, and I knew they were kidding, but I got to ANGRY because seriously... When it comes to my parents, just... unless you want to die, you better not say anything even remotely bad.

I never know when you're serious! You do things sometimes, that I could've sworn you wouldn't do, so I never know when you're being serious. Never. The lily thing today? I'm absolutly positive it will never come to fruition- especially after tonight. Darn, and I was so excited about that. Fuck. Way to go, Abs. But these tickets... yOU got that serious tone and look, and it was all over. The reason why I got up and left so quickly? Tears of frustration. There was no way in hell you were seeing me cry over something I knew was retarded- so I left, and cried, and got pisse dbecause I cried because you were being an ass and carrying it too far, and... I exploded.

These tickets... I swear, I try to buy my way into favor, and these tickets are like gold. Not only that... My parents- they've been through so much with my brother, that I will do -anything- to make them smile even for a moment. ANYTHING. Look, I'm crying again. Stupid Abby cries over anything. And you, even though I was nearly positive you were kidding, that 1% of doubt threw me over the edge.

And the whole thing about me "sobbing"... Waaaay too far. In fact, let's take it back a step and say that if you ever threaten me again, you are not to come into this house or near me ever again. I would give up Josh and Beth and Ray and Dave and everyone who I've come to really like and enjoy their company, just to avoid you. Completely uncalled for and... don't do it. I know you never would, but putting up that "tough guy" image and refusing to back down, just doesn't work. You don't have to be whatever it is you're trying to be, all the time.

I would like to think I know you well enough to say you'd never do it, but refusing to let it go when there's no one around scares me. It's like my mom telling me I'm second best even when he's not around- just... what is the point? Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?

Oy. I'm rational now and already cursing myself for writing half this shit, but this is my journal. Some of it should probably be in the SB, and when my headache goes away enough for me to read it over, I will C&P those parts away. For now, whoever reads this, take the above with a grain of salt and don't worry- I got it. I can handle it. I dont need help taking care of myself, and if I do, I'll ask.