Hmm... New development... Maybe. Hopefully. Shit shit, I'm so deficit on my blogger entries. You have no idea what's going on anymore. Since... a long time ago! Weeeeelllll. You see. haha I moved into my ne house for school- it's... well, it''s good. I like living here, it's just... Meh. It seems like since I've moved in, so much has happened, and the first week sucked- so much for first impressions, huh? Probably the reason I am not totally psyched about this whole house thing. The first week, you ask? Mmm... Everything technological I own, exploded. To be quite simple. My phone, the same one as Kate's, didn't have service when hers did, and if it did, when you called someone you could expect to get no ring tone, nor did you ever ehar them, but they could hear every word you said. So weird, but that's quit now, so we're good. My speakers- my awesome, to-die-for speakers, my -love-of-my-life speakers... crackled. For the first week or so, they wouldn't play without crackling- WTF, MATE!!? I was so ready to ship them home and buy another pair of computer speakers, and splice them to the ones I have. I was frieking out about how this place was killing my beautful components system. Oy. That's quit now, though, too. My camera started doing that stupid lens thing it used to do, too... the lens wouldn't come out, so you'd have to shut it off a few times and restart? Yeah... that thing it hasn't done since... who knows when?! I was like... AHHHH!!! But that's all good now. My computer, you know, the one I didn't use all summer? Yeah, that computer suddenly starts giving me the blue screen of death 3-4 times A DAY!!! and well... when we tried to wipe he harddrive and start over, using the boot disk... Hhahah that bitch wouldn't even wipe the DRIVE!!! I laugh my ass off at how shitty my "wonder-fucking-ful" laptop is, after burning off a harddrive and count it- not one, but TWO wireless cards. PIECE OF SHIT!!! BTW. That's not working, still. I waged war on Toshiba though, and they agreed to fix it free of charge- I'm going to kill if it still doesn't work after I get it back. Right now, I'm working with Kevin' laptop, beautiful machine that it is... Meeeeow! haha

Anyway... Enough about how everything I have was fucked up here. Matchbox 20 makes me happy... I think my life comes in threes. Well, my lovelife anyway... Remember last year, when I commented on how I loved Cat, Cheetah and felix? haha I still laugh at that horrifying lineup. Well, now I have three Matts. *shakes head* Sooo silly. We all know or should guess that I'm desperately in love with Cal-Matt, with his dark and chaotic personality, the fact that I have no idea who he is after o long of talking to him, that he seems to be one of the few -really- intelligent people out there, even if he is seems to hate talking about himself like most smart people love to do. I could go on for hours, that's how much I like this kid- a killer that I've never met him, huh? Mmm...

Well then, there's always Charter-Matt, who I met on the boat and who is so tall I could wear any shoes I ever wanted, if I ever thought that I could deal with someone who didn't speak. A really nice guy, I think... I wasn't sure- he said hi and goodbye directly to my face. Nothing else was said...

So now onto the third Matt, Russian-Matt. *grin* I can't stop smiling or laughing or... feeling like something's going to claw its way out of my belly whenever I think about this kid. It's like a physical.... insanity. I can't figure out what to do. I met him last year when he was doing homework in Kevin's room, and I remember looking in, saying hi like I always did when their door was open, and my inner monolgue going something along these lines- imagine inner Sakura: *jaw drop, double take* HeeEEeeello! How -you- doing? haha We always got along and I tried not to flirt too much more than normal- my one rule, no tempting taken boys. Not a good scene.- but kind of easy because he was always picking up every stupid thing I ever do- which seems to be every 3 seconds around him becaue I can't seem to speak, walk, hell, THINK! when I'm around him. I've heard about this crap, but ggeezzzzz... What is going on!?, is what I'm thinking.

Anyway... So when he broke up with his gf, I remember jumping up and down and spinning, squeaking excitedly at the top of my lungs as soon as out of earshot or sight, to Kate. Who promptly joined me, LoL But that was with a week left to school and over the summer, I kind of forgot, actually... So much other things to do, people to hang with, horses to play with.

But now... OMG. It was horrible; every second I was sputtering or just couldn't seem to make my mouth WORK!! And of course he'd pick up on it and concentrate on how fucked up I was acting, and tease me mercilessly about it. Then one day, he told me I flirt like a fourth grader, and it was like... Well, there's a weight off my shoulders. So, my mouth started working, I stopped walking into walls and my brain started processing and putting together comebacks within the day. I sitll haven't been able to process and use a comeback, but I'm working on it. haha

Anyway... If you couldn't tell, I'm sooo screwed up over this boy. It's sick.

Thursday was the first day he came over and I wasn't retarded. So I made dinner, he'd been invited since Tuesday, and Kate, Kevin, Matt and I all ate fajitas. They were really good! So he stayed until one or so, not an unusual thing in all honesty, and we flirted the whole time... So nice. I think I might've graduated to 8th grade flirting. Even if he fell back to 3rd grade flirting. He went through a coat hanger. I have pictures. hah Silly boy. *shakes head, grinning* I'm sooo stupid today. (No Matt, I'm not drunk... but yes, there is definitely something wrong with me.) But who wouldn't be? I went partying last night and without thinking, called Kevin to remind him that Emily's party was going one- was he going to be home in case I came home? Well, Kevin said he wasn't sure if he was going because Matt wasn't invited. So... Matt ended up coming, and Eep? I personally would never speak to me again, but Kate and Dave and Kevin told me I wasn't annoying, just... drunk. But I think back and want to kick myself. Well, I suppose we'll see the consensus when next him and Kevin play A&A. Mmm...

So, yeeah... I drank a cup of pink lemonade-vodka crap, throwing it down because it takes a large amount to get me tipsy, and was like... stumbling dunk within minutes. I didn't even think that all I'd eaten all day was two pieces of toast and two muffins that Dave made. Way to be an idiot, huh? So I'm like... falling-down drunk by the time I drink the second one, and signed up for a beer pong match. hahaha. So I get a chair from the corner and get up for something. Matt sits down and after a bit of arguing that's not really arguing, I sit on his lap, with him basically holding me up... *shakes head* Sweet, but maybe smacking my head on some cement would teach me, eh? Geez. But he was so sweet all night long.

1) If he wasn't next to me, or letting me lean on him, he would glance up every once in a while to see where I was and what was going on. *smile*

2.) He didn't try to kiss me or anything- he didn't drink, so I mean... I'm jsut so used to guys trying to get whatever they want, thank you assholes!, when I'm drunk, that it seems normal. When he was just... there, without trying to go anywhere, I was so shocked I wanted to babble about it to Kate all day today. haha

3.) He has really nice abs- A definite plus. Arms are a definite, and he has those(great, huh? haha), but abs are a HUGE plus. Mmm... *Grin* Oy. I'm so shallow.

*shakes head* I'm scared I fucked it up, and I'm scared that I'm an alcoholic, and I'm sooo scared that I'm going to fuck up. I just decided to change to BioMedical Engineering and I'm so scared of fucking up. I don't know if I can do it. I know if I have to, I can do anything, but I'm not quite determined enough to do this. It would be so easy to go the lazy way and jsut be a science geek, get the grades in classes that are so easy, get a boring lab job, live out my life in silent boredom, raging at everything elsse becaue I hated it 24-7. But I don't know if I can cut it. I hope so, but I jsut don't know. I'm not smart like Jeremy or Dave, Kevin or Emily. I'm just... I'm so fucked. I couldn't even get through MTH 243... What am I doing here? I'm so scared, I cry every time I think about it. And that pleasant feeling I get whenever I think about Matt turns into this leaden ball inthe pit of my stomach, threatening to drag me down into darkness until I can't get out, no matter how I claw or scratch. Can someone tell me what I want to do? Please? Can someone please just tell me what I want to do when I get out of college? I'm so scared.