Mmm... So, what can I say? I do dumb things. I'm not really worried, though. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm jsut trying to survive to the best of my abilities, without falling off the cliff that has been looming ever closer and steeper since I started this crazy roller coaster ride. The loops and dips have been great fun, but that final drop is scary and I'm not sure if the tracks will hold.

Tonight I ditched him, in all honesty, because I knew that after everyone went to bed and it was our time, things would have to be said. I don't know what to say, yet. I'm still running away, giving myself time to think and figure out how to deal with the swirling cloud of grey in my head. The fact that it's completely awkward between us is only making it that much easier for me to run than to stay, but if I had a choice, I would love to patch it up, kiss him easy and tell him, "I'm sorry, I won't ever do it again, please forgive me for telling the truth." I would love to. But I can't. I can't. I won't go back to that place I so recently managed to escape, because it would be the death of me and everything that I have gained since coming to college. I don't have Linds and Crystal and Cat, I don't have any of them to run to when I need whatever it is they give me. I have others, but those 3 are my hiding places, my coping mechanisms, my saviors. And they're not here to pick me up after I get knocked on my ass. So... I can't get knocked down, because who knows if I can get back up?

Dave told me I'm a strong person, and I know the truth in what he says. Regardless, everyone has their limit, and I would have to say that watching those who I care about fall into a well of misery, without anything I can do to help, kills me. It's not my brother who I was so depressed about, it was my parents. Watching them and their relationship sag and tear under the strain of my brother's behavior, made me want to kill him, made me want to hurt anyone that would hurt them.

I thought I'd buried it so well, the pain, the anger, the absolute misery and self-hatred that I felt, bringing it up and re-hashing it these past couple of days has been like escaping hell then going back to check out the old playground. Torture.

I really like him. I really like everything about him, but I've seen this pattern, I know where it leads. And he has to get worse before it gets better. I know this, too. That psychologist lady was an idiot, I wanted to scream at her and walk out. Instead, I listened and got some ideas that I didn't think of before, said thank you, and walked out with a vow that Fernando would be hearing from me. She asked if I was emotionally invested, if I felt like I was "in love". You know, I feel like I've learned a lot in the past year or two. I feel like I've grown into the adult that everyone wanted me to become. I still laugh and play and act like an idiot. But I don't trust, and no matter how much I tell you, the more I tell you, the more the walls go up. I feel like I'm barricaded in with no gates or ladders, only hot tar and a moat, with the neat little plaque stating, "Go away, guards dragons inside."

Cute, huh?

Maybe it's just me. I don't actually know what goes on in my own head most of the time. Why did I invite him over and go running out the door 1/2 an hour later? Isaiah upset me with one look, I cried to Laura, and then we left. I tried to explain, but he wasn't ahaving any of it. I want to kill Kevin- note to self:

Take Kevin down a peg. Pronto.

Anyway... I really do like him. His teasing is funny and not hurtful, his hands are soft and his eyes caring. But he's hurt... So hurt. He carries it with him like a shield- "I'm hurt, don't touch me!" I should be writing this in the SB. Whatever. No one reads this anyway. But I can sense the hurt, and I knew what it meant. I don't think I'm emotionally invested, really... When he leaves, and we all know he will because I do stupid things when I'm running scared, we'll find out.

I wish I could tell him that I do stupid things, that I'm going to try to make him leave because I'm shutting down right now, that he scared me with his trust, and the fact that I can't give it back right now. That everything is melding together and I don't know if I'm making it up or telling the truth, dramatizing it or just over-tired?? I don't know. I should stop writing. I'm over-tired, and we all know I say and do dumb things, because everything seems so much worse. I'll delete this in hte morning, because it won't be true then.

Just leave it at this: I do like him. I am pushing him away. I wish I could tell him so at least he would understand that this is one of my issues and not his. I hope he does what he has to. I hope I am not being an asshole.