I made a list. Of all those things that have been bringing me down, driving me to lash out and hurt those who have done nothing to deserve it. Surprisingly, it's a short list so far. You asked me once why I drank if I knew I could get addicted, and I replied that I did it because I didn't want fear to run my life. I'm so fearful, of everything. I don't think you can understand how afraid I am, how well I hide it, how only very few people have ever seen through me, seen the cringing, hiding little girl inside my head. Drinking is something I can control- I know I won't get addicted, because it's not something I like to do. I -don't- do drugs because they may end up being something I -do- like to do.

Fear made me go berzerk last night- I'm alone. I'm so afraid of being alone, at the very suggestion, I friek out. I lashed out, against you, and I'm so sorry, I can't even put words to how much I hate myself right now for doing it. I was vicious and cold, and there was nothing you did to deseve it.

I found out stuff last night that scared me so badly, I sat here and shook for a long time, jsut trying to swallow and comprehend all that had been revealed. And in comprehending, I came to the realization that I'm alone... Have been for a long time, but I could hide it from myself- keep busy and keep grinning. And it all stems from fear. From this fear that paralyzes and lashes out.

How could we know and love you as much as we did, without ever understanding? Fucking small towns. I'm so sick of being small-minded.

I'm so frustrated, it's like a noose tightening slowly around my neck, threatening to suffocate me with my own helplessness. -You- frustrate me, I lash out, then I'm sorry and we're back at square one- trust broken, build it up, dip and lash, then start all over. Shit. This is ridiculous. I don't -do- this shit anymore!! I thought I'd gotten over it. WTF.

Anyway... I made a list. And I will implement that list ASAP.

Here's a couple songs/lyrics/whatevers that kind of sum up how I feel.

"The Road I'm On" - 3 Doors Down

"She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living in between the lines
And all the stars they sparkle and shine everyday

He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I am on

He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it all between the lines
Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on"


Audioslave- Be Yourself
"And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do"

Beck- E-pro
"I won't give up that ghost
It's sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There's too much left to taste that's bitter"

Bright Eyes- Bowl of Oranges
"I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said 'I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you
that you can't do for yourself.'
He said 'Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help.'
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, 'I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.'
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow."

I don't remember- shoot me.
"Life is an hourglass
Glued to the table."

Stabbing Westward- Save Yourself
"I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself"

Stabbing Westward- Darkest Days
"There are times when I'm just a shell
When I do not feel anything for anyone
All I feel is hollow and bruised
Used up and misused
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
Have I failed somehow or some way
Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown
In the depths of despair
Where I am alone
Except for my rage

My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My darkest days"


I'm sorry, I'm trying to be happy and nice, all those things that I can be. That I am, usually. It's just that sometimes I can't be. Sometimes I get swallowed in bitterness and I can't fight my way out- I really hate it when it happens, I swear I would stop it if I could... I've tried, God I've tried. I'm so sorry I hurt you.