As I saw the away message go away, the window didn't appear. I waited, but still the window didn't appear. I don't know hwy I'm surprised, I mean, who really cares that much?

Ever had that crushing disappointment when you realize that the person who you decided to crusade on, is so blindingly different, that there was no conceivable way to possibly relate to them? That understanding can't be sewn because you have no thread? I hate it when that happens. I seriously get so attached to people over nothing. Simply because I find something about them that intrigues me enough to get me interested, then it turns into something else, until it burns off? Yeah. Well, I'm at the stage where I'm waiting for it to burn off.

But, still under crushing disappointment. And slowly but surely biting off every nail on my hands. Leaving ragged little stumps. And being completely antisocial... Ridiculous.

I remember how it used to be, in so many friendships, where in the beginning, it was so much ufn becuase we had so muchto learn about each other, where I was silly and they made mischief. And it was fun. I remember it, and I think I'm the only one who remembers it becuase I'm the only one who tries to see them, try to be friends between events.

But then, I read Laura's thing today, and I think maybe everyone has flashbacks, but you hav eto wait for them. Wait for them to realize they miss you.

I am simply too silly. I am not funny, jsut silly. And I only have 3 moods. Super high, giggly, goofy, silly; mid-level, study-time, concentrate, watch TV mindlessly; Super super low, antisocial, depressed, drained. And I cna do anything when I'm high, but when I'm low, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep until the next high time. Or cry, and scream, make it seem better by being ridiculous and laughing because people are watching me be crazy, and if I laugh, maybe I cn jumpstart myself into Super high mode.

It's not that Im fake, it's jsut that, no matter how high I am, I always know the low is right around the corner, so i laugh it up as much as I can, and try to make it last. I actively force myself to laugh crazily silly, so that maybe, jsut maybe, I can bypass the low. When I'm low, I just want to curl up with someone and nuzzle into their shoulder and sleep with them watching over me to make sure nothing bad happens.

What's this particular low all about? A bro in rehab, for sure, run away, a devastating sad blow, bothered because I'm not bothered about the bro. So tired, and no friends I can cry to. No friends at all...