I am learning new lessons. Slow, tedious, painstakingly ANNOYING lessons. What lessons, you ask? What lessons could cause such impatience and turmoil? Well, I'd say, the answer is in the question- PATIENCE!

I hate being patient, and it shows in the results because... I am awful at it. Absolutely awful. I would rather knowingly potentially sabotage my chances by just asking, then wait for something that would be almost guaranteed if given time and patience. So, my New Years (one of many) reflects this flaw in my psychological makeup. I will have patience, and I will be nice. I've already failed that one many times, but I will keep trying. I think if I keep reminding myself, it may even work.

I love my Dad. An appropriate amount of love from a child to her father, not some creepy Babylon Revisited amount. But I realize he is an absolutely selfish jerk sometimes. And I love my mother with the same amount of love, but she had always been the harder parent to please. Dad was always easy to please- get good grades, do what you're supposed to, don't fuck up in big ways. But Mom now... Now -she- is a hard woman to please. I never really got what she wanted from me. Or what she wanted me to do. I think I'm beginning to see. I'm not sure I can do it, but I think I'm beginning to understand. She wants me to care about others. To not be as jaded as I appear to be. To not think everything is as bad as it is.

You should hear some of the shit that comes out of my dark and twisty places. It's -awful-. I argued with my Dad about how human nature was simply to keep us alive because civilization has made our existence worthless. We don't need to reproduce anymore, we don't need to raise animals, till the earth, or even do ANYTHING except... chase our tails. In vain. I believe, wholeheartedly, that if it were not for our very nature, people would not exist because... there's no PURPOSE to us. Insects have a greater purpose than us. If we were to do, the earth would go on and nothing would change. If insects were to die out, the world would wither and die within 3 weeks, probably less. How's that for the Super Race?

THis whole Erica thing, I don't get it. Deep down, I think I do, which is why Mom insists on me taking as much of a part as I can, because she's trying to find the missing pieces of my red side. Red is... warm, soft, emotional, passionate, intense, beautiful. I have about half of it most of the time. The only real things that get my whole red side, are not human. Because things that are not human are easy to give to. But that's why Mom makes me do it. She's trying to FORCE me to be red... Every once in a while, she gets through and I spend days, DAYS, in D-cubed, trying to deal with this unfamiliar territory.

God, I'm tired. Goodnight.