Yesterday was such a horrible day. I wanted to shoot myself in the face, preferably with something that would hurt- so I could bear punishment for what I did. First off, I've decided that I have no friends. Or, more likely, they just think I'm annoying and hate me. Probably the latter. I mean, I know I'm emotional and explosive, and high-strung, and all that. I'm sorry... I've tried to change, but it never seems to work. I think I need counseling, and some good drugs. Taking my cue from the person who knows me best, I think I need anti-depressants... Becuase I'm hardly ever in a normal mood- maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I'm such a person who tried to explain her very obvious mood swings on a brain disorder. Hah... I really do think I may ask for a psychiatric counselor for Christmas. I think there really is something wrong with me... Always have, and probably always will.

Also, I think I'm incapable of living with someone. I'm jsut too damned... high-strung. I can't deal with people always around- I need time to jsut think, be alone, cry every once in a while, and chill. I'm not social, I just like everyone to think I am. No, I like people, I jsut never know how to act around them... I'm socially inept. On a scale of social IQ, I would be in hte negatives. But again, I think I need some help because I really can do it sometimes, and others, I jsut want to crawl under a rock and die, and acting like what everoyne expects me to be like, is torture. I want t ocry so much right now.. .I can feel the tears welling up, but I can't break down... I just can't.

Anyway... messages to people who I know read this. Jeremy, don't lecture me. Honestly, I react badly, if you couldn't tell from last ngiht. I know when I step over the line, and jsut the fact that you tlak down to me, infuriates me. It seems like every time I talk to you, whether I've been a jerk or not, you're talking down to me. I expect more of you. And that's why I've been such an ass lately. Because you should know better. Lecturing me, on anything, is unacceptable. You're not my dad, you have no higher knowledge to call upon, I don't need it,I don't want it, I won't take it. And when I'm in a funk, I suggest you lay off. I will never get violent, but just don't push it. I hate being cornered. As you very well know.

What happened? Yesterday was jsut a horrible day, I blew up on someone who I shouldn't have, and then got extremely violent when someone tried to talk to me like I was 8. I'm not 8, don't treat me like I am. Especially when I'm already in a dicey mood.

Anyway.. I hate apologies, but I hate not sleeping even more. I Have to apologize to John, and I will. Though I really think he went looking for a reaction, (He came into my room to drop the name he knew would probably set me off.) I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. I jsut need to chill out, (heh... Maybe I should call up my "chill" friends...) and stop being so damned reactional. (Is that a word?)

And to my friends. I'm not even sure who you are anymore. Seriously, I feel like I'm something you swept under the rug so you could forget about it. I hate the fact that I'm becoming the same perso nI was in high school.. .I need new friends. This sucks like whoa. (SB, Christine, Crystal, Linds, and anyone who thinks this doesn't fit, it probably doesn't. No worries! ")> )

Anyway... I'm aiming for a better day today, but it is winter, so... there's a good chance that it won't happen. Winter and I don't get along very well.. LoL