I'm the person he trusts. I'm the person he goes to. Strangely, Im very cool with this.

Had a really good day yesterday! The weekend in Bville started off shakily, with me debating leaving after 15 minutes there and telling Rich not to bother coming down. But I let it go and slept on it, made my position very clear with one well-timed comeback. "You know, the way she keeps punching you, I don't think she can keep her hands off!" meant as a joking jab, but completely defused and turned back when I came out with, "Well, was that ever a secret?" AKA. Back the fuck off. You are not allowed in again.

I forgot how much I liked Rich. Going to the Arts and Crafts Fest was shaky- he was not enjoying himself and therefore I was trying to compromise with how much i wanted to be there with trying to keep him happy. But... he started to get into it and it turned out okay- we ate tomatoes and squash blossoms with aphids on it. He talked with an older guy about canning veggies. haha Apple picking was fun- I thoroughly enjoyed my day, actually. He makes me smile deep down; he's so gentle about things- helping my grandmother put on her sweater before she even asks for it, picking up the table, rubbing my shoulders, just... being real. He makes me want to be a better person- learn to do things before they're asked, be a little more gentle about things. But at the same time, I took some good hits from him yesterday when I was asking for it.

I guess him and my mom had a talk about what happens when we break up. I shouldn't say when, I know, it's like dooming it from the start. But... I can't even comprehend a relationship that doesn't end. Weird, huh? When none of the adults in my life are divorced. And it's strange. I'm almost afraid to say "if" because... it sounds right. Sounds correct. Like it might last. And I cant even begin to comprehend it. Can't even begin to dare to think about it.

Anyway, she basically told him that he would always be welcome, whether we were together or not, barring extreme circumstances or divine intervention. And apparently he seemed really relieved because.. they're his family, too. And he'd miss them.

"I'll promise to not nip if you promise to keep giving bear hugs. Deal?" "You can nip, just don't leave marks- the Army frowns on that." "Alriiiight... I promise to no-mark nip if you promise to give bear hugs. Deal?" "Deal."

I feel very grounded right now.

Josh basically told me I could have him. He inferred that he would be mine. And... I said no. Not directly, but... just blew right over it and gave no heed. Who is this person in my head?

I know it's me. I know it's me saying no and feeling grounded and going to apple orchards and trying to be a gentler soul when all my life I have tried to be tougher, wittier, colder, so it wouldn't hurt so bad.

Now I have three loves. Two of which evidently have new pieces of my heart, in whatever capacity they ask, the third asking and receiving a new corner of his old space. This is going to hurt so bad. What if I can't do it? What if they do get me to give up my shell and then... Its going to hurt.

Poe. She trusts me and tries so hard for me; she believes in me and makes me believe in myself. She gives me strength by showing me how strong I am; she shows me how good I can be and how much I will do to take care of one I love. And love I do. I feel like a person again, since I started riding; I feel like a good person since I took the time to see her. There are doubts here, but... I won't let the bad things happen. I'm the only one who can stop them, so I will continue to.

Rich. So gentle and yet so tough. So strong, I can only look up and wonder if I measure up. If I ever will. Deep down, I know, KNOW that I am that strong. That I will get through and prosper and make this life my own. Smart, witty, caring, not afraid to push and be pushed. Reasonable and easy-going but with enough intensity to be formidable. So tough to cover up a vulnerability that seems just as deep and strong. Strangely, there are no doubts here right now. Grounded.

Josh. Growing up, big time. He's getting to be the man I knew he could and would be. And I can't even say how thrilled I am for him- he's finally figured out that he's deep-down amazing. Or... figured out that his hunch was right all along. And now, now he knows that I knew it the whole time. He's also found out that I have my own hunch. Too bad it's SSDD.