okay... back again.

I don't think I'm cut out for being a vet, though one of the guys on my charter on Friday said that i would make a perfect vet simply because of this reason. I can't kill animals without feeling bad. Like... Horrible and scarred for life. I don't think I could kill another fish if it was as pretty as that Mahi Mahi (pronounced Mah-yee Mah-yee said real quick), and well... I wanted to cry. I guess the guys realzied this, because they caught an released every single little Mahi-Mahi that swam around the boat, after that. Anyway... This fish, when it swims in the water, has bright, neon yellow fins, a brilliant, electric blue tail, dorsal fin which ran about 3/4 of its body length, and lips, and it's body scales shine iridescent, so when the sun hits it, it shines every color imaginable and all those inbetween... It was so pretty. No... Not pretty. Heavenly. I never knew there was anything that gorgeous anywhere. The body itself was long and slender, and I felt so bad having to hold it down while dad took out the hook. It's eyes were black, but underwater they looked honey brown, and I wish that it hadn't turned dark yellow... All those pretty scales turned dark, dead yellow, and the neon blue and yellow faded, until the fish jsut looked like all the other fish in the cooler... dull and dead.

After that, as if to remind me that there is a Circle of Life, all it's little babies came around the boat and we fed them and we hooked them, but we never kept them. (Lady of Shalott- Loreena McKennit- I love her... No matter how I feel, she always makes me feel better.) Some of the guys wanted to, but the leader told them no... mainly because he couldn't stand to see me so sad, he told my dad.

Good artist, because they can always make you feel better. I think what makes a good artist is one that can make you feel better, no matter what mood you're in, no matter what's wrong. Just the sound of their voices, the words of their songs, the essence of their emotions, can make you feel alive, once again. Their songs can make you feel, like, no matter how dead you once were, or are, it will be alright, because they will continue to sing to you, and you will continue to live. I've met only two artists who make me fee this way, Loreena McKennit and Dido... Both of which, though they're not my usual punk-rock-pop, they can make me listen and enjoy myself again.

Dude and Steel. Two very sweet horses I've been working with. Three year olds, both of them. Trained for reining, they both refuse to listen to me and pretend I am nothing but a piece of leather, at which they can nip, or jsut ignore, no matter how much I plead with or smack at, them. But, today... I took them both out in the tall grass, and I felt good again... I don't belong in a ring, working out the kinks of someone else's training, I should be racing across the tall grass, the sand, the leaves, whatever is benetah me.. I miss my racing mare, I miss my trails and riding pals. I hope that I can talkto their trainer and learn what they know, figure out how to use it to my advantage, figure out how to turnthem into something else. (I sound like such a bitch! lmao) But really... They're both very good boys, each of whom are slowly coming aorund to the realization that, I, like a buzzing gnat, am not somehting that will be driven away with a discouraging word, and they're both slowly beginning to warm up and work for me. I'm beginning to realize what they're little mannerisms mean, and how to calm each one when they get nervous or discouraged or confused... I'm beginning to like them.