I do think that after half the shit I put up with, most other humans would tell someone to fuck off and get the hell away. Reading through one of my posts, I could still feel the utter panic rise up and threaten to swallow me, as if I was still there, still feeling and seeing and being, everything that was happening that night.
 
I'm really unsure of what the hell is happening right now, in regards to Nick, but that post brought back the complete uncertainty of whether I wanted to be involved with someone like him, doing what he did. I can still feel the blackness rising up, threatening to overtake me in one fell swoop, and me unable to breathe, unable to say what I want, what I need, for fear that in saying anything, it will all fall out. My fear of not being accepted kept me from speaking out, and for that, I was dumb. But, in hindsight, all is clear. I'm really not sure whether I should keep that to myself, or show my brother, just so he knows what I go through when I hear he's been smoking.
 
I think I may actually print it up and add it to my wall, where no one will read it, but whenever I have doubts, I can read it and make up my mind about soemthing, and help me reach a decision about whatever's bothering me. *nods* And I would put it on here, but respect for the person Nick has become, as a friend, keeps it where no one sees. If he should ever request it, well... *shrugs* Maybe. But... Off-hand? I think my bro will be the only one to whom I offer it.