I'm falling in love with my little dog. Miss Panda is cute in the way that young children are- not babies, because as far as I'm concerned, babies have -no- redeeming values- cute and amusing, but annoying as all hell. LoL

This whole week, I've been bitching about my lack of sleep and travelling an hour to school, waking up early and eating nothing and having no time to hang out. But you know what? right now, with my emancipation less than 24 hours away, I'm realizing that I don't really want to go. In fact, the idea of having to have to socialize at this party at my house tomorrow, is... painful. The idea of having to face people and have fun is enough to make my stomach flip and muscles clench, before I remind myself that I -like- going out and having fun.

Don't get me wrong, I will have fun tomorrow wherever I end up. I don't know why I seem to be reverting back to anti-social. I guess this week of nothing has made me remember why I enjoyed solitude- the quiet. Nothing but lazy, stretched-out hours, mindless work, and tired sleep. What an existence. Perfect for thinking of films like Bakara- when you have nothing else in mind but the images and scenery of so many different cultures it's hard to remember what's so great about your own, or even to think outside of questions of... "Why?"


This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!
Fort Minor ~ Remember the Name

Away message 1/27/05:
"You suck, asshole.
I hope your next whore has crabs...*Sweet smile*... and syphilis."

It makes me laugh. Hysterically. Maybe because I could just imagine saying it- not meanly, more... sarcastically. Over-exaggerating the batted eyelids, the sickly-sweet voice. It makes me want to try it out on someone.

Matt makes me want to be smart- not book-smart, just... overall intelligent. He is just so different from many people that I meet in a day- I feel honored to even talk to him. I know I piss him off when I'm shallow, defensive. But I'm not sure he even remembers them the next time we talk. Or... five minutes later, for that matter. He makes me want to know myself better.

We get happy in backseat circles.
-Spoon ~ The Way we Get By

He listens to good music, too. Different shit, stuff I like when in this quiet mood where nothing can bother me. He's the one who turned me onto Radiohead. Every once in a while, Radiohead is called for, and... god, i love it.

I have heard again that I am a creature of extremes. there is no neutral ground- Love or hate, high or low. that's my world. You know... I'm jsut realizing the truth in the saying, "If you don't know what you're missing, it's not missing." I guess that's why I come off as such a spaz. I don't deal the same as others. I don't react the same as others, and so I don't really understand where a lot of people come from. I've trained myself to fit in mostly, but every once in a while, my extremes come racing to the fore and it takes everyone by surprise. Myself, included.

But, if I was offered a neutral ground in exchange for givng up the extremes, would I accept? Probably not. Evidently, all I need is some drugs to gain neutrality. *Smiles* But why? I kind of enjoy my extremes. They give me a perspective that others miss out on.

I really like thinking. I don't do it often... usually only when in this quiet, content, by-myself mood. Not many can understand me... God knows, I've alienated more than one person by just rambling on.

Maybe I'm neutral right now. Not happy, not sad, jsut... here. But I feel. It's not nothing. I feel everything. So maybe I am neutral... active. *Laughs* I love thinking.