I should be studying chem, for the quiz I have in an hour, or looking over my lab, or praying it doesn't rain becuase I have to clean the barn later. But what am I doing instead? I am... stressed. I need Maalox, and it's one of those moments, where I could probably drink a bottle of it, because this problem isn't going away with one sip. Funny, that's probably what he say... But it won't go away with a whole bottle, either...

You know, I have this thing about screwed up... things. I used to think it was just with animals- I mean, I walk into a barn or house, and for some reason, I can always pick out the most fucked up animal there, and given enough time and free will, make friends with it, and usualy retame it.

But, it's with people, too... But I'm not good at taming people. I tend to jsut sit there and stare, and think to myself, "I wish I could do somehting to make you feel better,but what?" Because unlike an animal, it doesn't take a little time and lots of kindness and patience. Peoeple take all that and sooooo much more.

Crystal and I had this discussion about Cheetah... And we decided the reason why I feel myself attracted to fucked up people, is because I'm really, really fucked up on some level. This isn't a joke, do I sound like I'm joking? I'm dead serious. What I mean is, There is some part of me that feels like everything I do isn't real, isn't the real me, isn't who I am. And if I ever let out that side of me, people would automatically shun and disparage(Is that the right word? It sounded good...) me. And so... I keep it tied back. But anyway... We decided that for some reason, these things migrate toward me because they can feel it- that fucked up spot- and they recognize it, but they can also feel that I learned how to deal with it... successfully. They're curious, on a deep-down level.

So anyway... I hate watching people who I love, for whatever reason, be sofucked up. I know everyone's got a spot of screwyness, but I hate the -real- fucked up parts. And the fact that I jsut watched one of the people I would definitely call a friend, for no other reason than the fact that he makes me very happy, be so fucked up... it's weighing heavily on my heart. Because I want to help, and I can't.

And I htink I need to get my arse moving.. class in 15 minutes and I ahven't gottten dressed yet! AHHHHHH!!!