I've come to the conclusion that I am a rare specimen, to be handled with care and a fire-proof outfit. Hell, we've all known it, heard about it, experienced it, gotten burned by it.

I got some help tonight, and realized that I really just need someone around who understands me even the slightest bit. I feel like I walk on eggshells with everyone, all my friends. Like, if I show even the slightest bit of ill-humor, you'll all run away screaming, becuase I'm the HAPPY ONE!! I feel like if I snap at you and don't immediately take it back, you willnever come back. I'm so sick of the bullshit. What makes me so goddamn special?! Doesn't anyone else ever want to just scream and pound on something? For a reason that no one besides yourself would probably understand?

Is there any reason why I have to be so special? I'm so tired, left drained and flaoting, at the mercy of the weather, in the ocean. Where everything is up and down, right and left, dangerous.

I miss Cat in equal parts that I want to punch him and hurt him, for hurting me so much; the same for my brother, though perhaps a bit more... For ruining my family and the last years of my life living at home. I want to take a crusade on the things that have hurt me most, which continue to hurt me even now, those things I hate beyond any comprehension, far from any league of hatred I have ever felt toward anything, anybody, any cirucmstance.... And those things I can't do a damned thing about.

The crux of my existence, and the aspect of my life that hurts me the most- my helplessness.

Does no one realize that every time I rage, it's because I can't do anything else?? It's because I won't hit those who've hurt me, and I can't take anymore of my helplessness. I rage at myself, and you're just lucky enough to be around for it. *snarl*

Goodnight, and good riddance. If yo ucan't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, you wuss-bitches.